


Complicated

by thesecretdoor



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-31 05:25:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17843300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecretdoor/pseuds/thesecretdoor





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lady_Michiru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Michiru/gifts).



“Life is...complicated, isn’t it?” Yuto asks, when Yamada finds him. He’s sitting on the bench overlooking river. It’s not the first place Yamada went but it was pretty far up the list, it’s the bench they used to eat bentos on when they got off the train early on the way home, for no particular reason.  


“It sure is.” Yamada agrees as he moves around it to sit down beside Yuto. It’s quiet for a while, nostalgic in a sad sense because things did get complicated somewhere along the way.

  
“Did Suda call you?” Yuto asks and his voice doesn’t waver at all but Yamada can see that he’s still drunk when he turns to face Yamada and his eyes don’t quite focus. Yamada nods and it’s quiet again as Yuto tries to look carefully over every inch of his face and then turns away. “He wants to fuck you.”

  
Yamada takes a slow breath. “He doesn’t.” Yuto looks at him with an expression of mild surprise. “He asked me why you seemed to have a stick up your ass half the time on the set of Pink and Gray...I told him about that whole rivalry between us way back when, and Suda had some theories about your feelings for me that I declined to either confirm or deny...”

  
Yuto almost laughs “So what? Tonight he was just testing a theory?”

  
“I guess so...” Yamada confirms.

  
Yuto looks away again and rubs at his knuckles. “Was getting punched in the face part of the plan?”

  
Yamada tries not to smile but the mental image is kind of funny. “He’s not going to press charges” he pauses for a moment, bracing himself for the rest of it. “He’s even willing to split the cost of the damages at the club with you...glasses, a stool, hush money...”

  
Yuto rubs his face with his uninjured hand and smiles a bitter smile. “I really fucked up didn’t I?”

  
“Good thing you have good friends that are willing to cover your ass.” Yamada nods, his lip only twisting a little in annoyance, it could have been bad, really bad, but Suda didn’t mean any harm.

  
“I just...The way he was talking...the things he was saying he wanted to do...I couldn’t...I know we’re not together but...”

  
Yamada can hear the slight wobble in Yuto’s voice and interrupts, his own not quite as steady as he’d like it to be. “Yuto, don’t...not when you’re drunk” Yuto looks for a moment like he’s about to protest but then he lets out a breath that seems to deflate him and turns away.

  
Yamada watches as Yuto fumbles a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket and tries unsuccessfully to light it. He takes pity, even though he doesn’t like Yuto smoking, and takes the lighter from him, cupping one hand around it to shield it from the slight breeze as he lights it.

  
“Thanks.” Yuto says quietly as he leans forward to ignite the end of his cigarette, he takes a long drag and then looks at Yamada. He seems almost sober, his eyes focusing now, boring into Yamada’s with such intensity as he continues just as quietly. “Ryosuke...thank you.”

  
Yamada knows they’re not the words in Yuto’s mind, he can see the ones he wants to say playing on his lips as he exhales a smoky breath, but Yuto promised never to say those ones again, all they do is hurt them both.

  
“I’ll take you home.” Yamada says to break the tension and he gets up from the bench. “If you still want to then we’ll talk about this in the morning”


	2. Chapter 2

He can barely say it out loud, the best he can muster is a choked whisper. “I slept with Masaki...” It was loud enough. The way Yuto’s hands press against his ears and his head shakes could almost look like the words were too loud, but Yamada knows that’s not it. He wants to say sorry, he doesn’t need to because he and Yuto aren’t dating and he did nothing wrong, but it sure feels like he did. “Yuto...” he says instead.

“Last night?” Yuto asks and when Yamada nods he clenches his eyes closed like the sight is as offensive to his eyes as the words seemed to his ears. It quiet for a moment. Yamada watches with bated breath as Yuto takes a deep breath before letting out a laugh that is all mirth and no humour, and when Yuto’s eyes open tears spill thickly down his cheeks. “Well that’s ironic.”

Yamada’s heart breaks right along with Yuto’s voice. Ironic doesn’t cover it.


	3. Chapter 3

There’s a figure beside his door when he arrives home. For a moment his heart skips a beat and his lips are already forming Yuto’s name only it can’t be because he just dropped Yuto off at home. He swallows down the pang of disappointment – how long it’s been since Yuto last stood in that exact spot, waiting for him, yearning for him. His head shakes as the figure pushes off of the wall, not tall enough to be Yuto anyway, not quite.

“Is Nakajima OK?” he recognises the voice immediately, he heard it over the phone little more than an hour ago, has heard it more than once for three months straight of movie recording.

“He’s OK.” Yamada answers Suda. “He’s home, tucked up in bed.”

Suda nods, his expression mildly disgruntled and he takes a step closer to Yamada. “And what about you? Are you alright?”

Yamada’s eyebrows quirk at the strange question. "Me? Why wouldn't I be?"

Suda looks kind of sheepish and Yamada wonders if it isn’t the first time he’s ever seen that expression on him. "You like him too. You're better at hiding it than him, but I get it now"

Yamada just looks blankly for a moment, he feels a little startled but he thinks it barely shows over the fatigue. He's too tired to go into it right now but he's too drained to lie about it too. "We're not together..."

Suda nods "yeah I get that too..." Then he shrugs lightly "I mean I don't, but I get that it's complicated." Yamada smiles a little to himself, complicated doesn't cover it, but he doesn't answer. There’s silence for a few minutes and then Suda shuffles his feet, starting almost awkwardly "Look about what I said tonight..."

"He didn't tell me" Yamada interrupts because he doesn't want to know. "I didn't ask, it's fine..." He moves towards his door, he's so tired, emotionally as well as physically, he just wants to get inside and curl up under his sheets. His path is intercepted though, and Suda is so close that Yamada can actually hear his shaky breaths. Agitation looks strange on him.

"I was pretty vulgar, unnecessarily..." Yamada searches his expression for the cause of this restlessness "it wasn't entirely a lie though..."

Yamada just stares, barely able to summon the effort to be surprised "You want to fuck me?" he asks.

Suda shrugs, the action at odds with the way he nods and answers “Yeah, I do...”

Yamada almost laughs, would do if he didn’t still have the image of Yuto’s pained expression etched so strongly behind his eyes. “He punched you in the face because you said you wanted to fuck me...what do you think he’ll do to you if you actually fuck me?”

Suda’s head shakes and he leans in to press his lips against Yamada’s quickly. “What if I don’t care?”

Yamada tries to snort but Suda’s lips are on his neck, peppering a path from his jaw to his collarbone and the sound warps into a groan halfway through. He’s so tired, he’s so confused, and then Suda’s lips are moving up to his and it feels so nice. He knows he should pull away, knows this is completely wrong but he’s still so raw and Suda’s lips are so comforting.

“We’ll get Friday’d” Yamada tells Suda, titling his head down just a little to break the kiss.

“Invite me in then...” Suda answers seriously, his eyes are just as serious when Yamada looks back up at them. It felt so nice, and it’s been so long.

“Do you want to come inside?”


	4. Chapter 4

For a moment they just stand there, Suda that unsettling kind of agitated, Yamada unsure what to do, unsure what he was even thinking inviting him in.

“Can I smoke?” Suda asks, his quiet voice breaking through the silence. 

He doesn’t let people smoke in here, not even his dad, but it would be something, something to ease the awkward tension so he nods, points toward the kitchen window. “Over there.” 

Suda nods in silence and makes his way over. There’s a slight breath of wind when he pushes the window open, but that’s not what makes Yamada shudder, because sure he knew they looked alike, tall, dark hair, handsome, you can’t say he doesn’t have a type. But he never really saw it, not until Suda turns half away to lean out the window, a cigarette held between his lips as he reaches up, cupping his lighter to light it. He makes the same soft sigh Yuto does as he exhales his first drag and his shoulders sag just a little lower as he relaxes. And it hits him, the yearning hits Yamada so hard he can’t breathe.

He crosses the room to the kitchen, his arms moving to wrap around Suda’s body, his forehead falling to rest somewhere around his shoulder blade and he feels just like Yuto. He’s slim and lean, just the right amount of muscle and almost the right height, and Yamada could so easily pretend if he were sick enough to do it.

It doesn’t matter, it’s close enough either way, Yamada’s body responds as though it’s Yuto’s he’s pressed against, his hands sliding beneath the thin T-shirt as his lips seek out it’s neckline, feathering kisses over as much skin as he can reach.

The low groan that forms in Suda’s throat sounds nothing like Yuto, but Yamada’s gasp is the same as it always was. When Suda turns in his hold, their mouths fuse together and Suda’s tongue tastes of scotch and cigarettes, just like Yuto’s always did.

“Bedroom.” Suda says, the word somewhere between a plea and a command and Yamada nods all the same, backs them up, their tongues still dancing as he shuffles his way back across the room to the bedroom.

He doesn’t turn until he hears the door slam closed behind them, breaking away from Suda to shed his clothes as he moves to his wardrobe to retrieve the essentials. They were in the drawer beside the bed once, but he and Yuto talked things out, he doesn’t need those kinds of things close to hand any more.

He doesn’t turn back to Suda once he has them, fear starting to sink in a little as he looks at the tube and the little foil packet in his hand. He hears Suda undressing though, the rustle of fabric, the clunk of his belt buckle hitting the floor. 

Suda moves up behind him, warm skin pressed flush all the way down his back, hardness against the small of Yamada’s back and Suda takes the tube and packet from him, tossing them onto the bed. The hands return to Yamada’s hips then, faltering just as little as his lips skirt Yamada’s shoulders and then one of them finally moves down to where Yamada is already half hard. It wraps around him, the grip all wrong, the pace just that bit too slow, not quite desperate enough, but it’s been a while and it works. 

“You’re so beautiful.” Suda says, his low voice rumbling against Yamada’s skin as Yamada hardens in his hand. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I met you.”

Yamada briefly calculates it, how many years it’s been, nowhere near as many as Yuto has wanted him for. It’s something though, he can’t even say he hadn’t considered it back then too, fleetingly. He doesn’t answer, just turns his head enough for a few slow kisses before easing out of Suda’s hold, a deep breath before turning and moving back to lay down on the bed. Suda’s eyes move up and down his torso hungrily, his Adam’s Apple – even more prominent than Yuto’s – bobs just once, a quick flash of tongue over his lips and then he moves towards the bed too.

Yamada reaches out to the side, picks up the tube and unscrews the cap himself, drips a little onto his fingers before reaching down. Suda’s eyes follow his hand eagerly, his tongue swiping across his lips as again as Yamada’s fingers move back and then curl, a small shudder as they slide inside.

Suda lets out a quiet groan as he watches, and then he leans in to kiss Yamada again and it’s better like that, because Yamada can close his eyes, can concentrate on the sensation of his fingers, on the hint of nicotine still lingering on Suda’s tongue and it helps, helps him to relax.

“Ok.” he says after a few minutes, because he’s as relaxed as he’s going to be, the longer he waits, the more time he has to think about what he’s doing, the harder it gets, the more uncertain he feels. So he slips his fingers free and nods, laying his head back against the pillow, his eyes closed to try and calm his pounding heart as he says shakily “I’m ready.”

He hears the slight crinkle of the foil packet ripping, a shuddery breath, he knows what’s coming, and for a moment he panics. It’s just for a moment, but it’s blind and desperate because nobody else has ever...but then, just like that, Suda is, and his hands feather Yamada’s arms as he pushes the rest of the way inside, breaching his body in the place that had been, until moments ago, Yuto’s alone.

There are tears in his eyes, his breaths too sharp, too shallow, but Suda waits, presses a light trail of kisses after the solitary tear that works it’s way lose. “Does it hurt?”

It does. His chest aches unbearably only that’s not what Suda means. He closes his eyes, looses the rest of the moisture there and shakes his head lightly, shakes away the image of Yuto’s face. “No.” he says as he peels his eyes back open. “No, it’s OK now.”

Suda nods, looks from one of Yamada’s eyes to the other for a few long moments before nodding again. “You feel really good.” he says, his words wobbling with shaky breaths, it makes Yamada feel even more shaky. He wants Suda to move, to get on with it, get it over with, whichever.

“You said you wanted to fuck me right?” Yamada asks, wishes his voice were as confident as his words, as the hard edge of determination in his gaze. “Do it. Fuck me.”

Suda does, just like that, a low groan ringing in the air between them as he pulls out most of the way and slams back in, and again. Yamada hums, encouraging, his hands finding Suda’s hips, gripping hard, Suda’s thrusts speeding up as he adjusts his hips, tries to find the right angle to make it feel good.

It doesn’t take long until his body is burning. It’s not the all consuming burn he felt with Yuto, the kind of heat and hunger that drove him to the edge of insanity. There’s a cold detachment to it, but it’s burning in the right places, the familiar tingle that starts somewhere deep in his abdomen.

Suda’s hips speed up, a moan pressed into Yamada’s throat and it sounds nice. Yamada’s body responds to it, squeezing Suda tighter and earning another moan, this one louder, more broken. Suda’s weight shifts, a hand scrambling between their bodies and Yamada is close enough that it doesn’t even matter that the grip is still wrong, that if it were Yuto he wouldn’t even need it.

Fuck.

The name is there in the back of his mind, the face that goes with it, the agony in those eyes even as they would come undone with a raw rasp of Yamada’s given name.

It doesn’t sound the same in Suda’s voice, not nearly as beautiful, or as broken, and it doesn’t matter because the hand around him keeps stroking and everything spins as Yamada crashes over the edge with him.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s not strange that they should meet like this, in this kind of place, these circumstances. It’s a press conference, for Yuto’s new drama right after Suda’s and they pass in the hall, and it’s not strange, but Suda feels like a stranger to him.

Yuto glares as he passes, but that’s all there’s time for, and then he’s out there in the spotlight and he’s shining – only he’s dying on the inside because all he can think about is Yamada, Yamada in Suda’s arms.

“Have you done it since?” Yuto asks as soon as he’s back in his dressing room, there’s still a whole host of staff fluttering around him but Yuto wafts them away when he sees Suda waiting there.

Suda looks sad, almost broken. He doesn’t answer, but that’s answer enough and Yuto nods, tries to keep his composure as he turns to the mirror to start scrubbing off his make up. “That night...” Suda starts, and Yuto turns on him so quick he almost gives himself whiplash.

“Don’t.” He doesn’t know what Suda was going to say, if it was safe – if it was about the things he said to Yuto, the things that tore him up inside. He doesn’t know if it was about after, if it was about the things that were so much worse, the thoughts of which threaten to tear Yuto down near constantly. “Don’t answer...don’t even speak to me...”

“Yuto” Suda beseeches, and when he doesn’t answer “Yutti?”

He snaps. It’s like all the books and movies say - he just sees red, and seconds later he surfaces again, his cheeks damp and his knuckles bloody.

Suda doesn’t look scared, he just looks desolate, even with a crimson streak running from his eyebrow to his jaw. “Don’t” Yuto warns him as his lips part.

“He loves you.” Suda says anyway and the words hurt far more than the bruises, to young to show on his knuckles yet, far more than the thoughts that caused them to be there.


End file.
